Helping Your Kid Navigate Tragedy and Trauma
I don’t remember much from my early elementary school years. Some of what I do remember were Valentines Day parties, the Scholastic book fair, and that one time when my gym teach Mr. Bannister dressed up as Elvis. One memory that is not as pleasant is from second grade when on September 11th, 2001 I walked passed the office at my school and caught a glimpse of the national news showing live footage of the terrorist attacks in NYC. I was too young to understand just how much this event would shape how I experienced life but I felt confused, my teachers seemed scared, my parents seemed shocked, and in that moment the world felt like it stood still.
Fast forward to March 2020 and yet again, the world experienced a massive tragedy. This one was a worldwide pandemic that shut down schools, businesses, churches, and other major elements of life that we had all come to know and enjoy. We started wearing masks, we isolated in our homes, and we even started getting tested every time our allergies acted up. Three years later, life is mostly back to normal except for the fact that the pandemic was responsible for millions deaths worldwide. No one who lived through the COVID-19 pandemic will be able to forget that event that we all shared.
Today as I’m writing this, my heart hurts. Yesterday in Nashville there was yet another school shooting in which three children and three adults lost their lives. The outrage and sadness is evident today, but unfortunately before we know it we will get the news that yet another one of these shootings has happened. For kids, teenagers, and adults this is our unfortunate reality. The world is a place that is filled with traumatic experiences and tragedies and our kids need parents, grandparents, church leaders, and older Christians to help them navigate these events.
My hope with this blog is to give you some helpful talking points that will help you to make sense of tragedies that your kid may be facing. I promise you that your kid is aware of and thinking about these events more than you may realize.
It’s Okay to Grieve
Before we address tragedies and traumas with kids (of any age) I think it is very important for us to remind them that the emotions they are feeling in regards to what they have experienced are valid. Often times young people feel the need to put on a happy face and pretend like everything is okay, but internally kids are just as affected by tragedies as adults are.
In scrolling through Twitter I found a video clip Reverend Chad Scruggs who lost one of his children during the shooting in Nashville. In the clip of a sermon about Jesus’ weeping at the death of Lazarus that “a strong confidence in the end of the story does not undo or justify the absence of grief in the middle of the story. A mature faith adds its tears, to the sadness of the world.”
When looking at scripture and affirming the need to grieve, I am reminded of Psalm 34:18 which tells us that God is “near to the brokenhearted.” We also see in the Gospels multiple instances in which Jesus is dealing with grief Himself. There is nothing more godly than grief over the pains of life.
I think teaching our kids how to grieve, how to express their sadness, and how to truly feel their emotions is important. It’s important because if we do not learn to grieve and feel God’s presence in these hard moments, the natural inclination that most people have (kids included) is to run from trials or to find comfort in other less helpful (and potentially harmful) things.
God is Still Good
Another important conversation to have with your kids is to remind them that God is still good, even when it doesn’t feel like it. I have known many teenagers that have struggled with following God, in large part, due to pains that they face in life. I believe it is crucial for us to look to scripture and remember that the same God who created us, loves us. If there is anything good in this world, it must come from Him because God’s character is consistent and reliable. In Mark 10:18 we read that Jesus says “there is no one good but God alone.”
Remembering God’s goodness can be extremely difficult in the painful moments of life but orienting ourselves to what we know scripture says about God is crucial. For the kids and teenagers in our lives, this is a muscle that they likely haven’t developed yet so in conversations with them, try to help orient them back to the goodness of God.
The World We See
Humankind has always dealt with tragedy and hardship. I think something that is unique to young people today is the amount of access they have to news and current events. It used to be that unless something happened locally, or your parents watched the national news, it was fairly easy to stay naive to what was happening around the world. Now, kids have instant access to nearly every tragedy that occurs. Media sources such as Instagram, TikTok, and Youtube aren’t immune to this either. Tragedies and traumas are being discussed on those platforms and your kids have probably been exposed to that on some level.
Sin has brought tremendous suffering into the world. The fall of humanity introduced evil, wickedness, and corruption into what was once a perfect creation. As a result, we now experience tragedy, hardship, injustice, oppression, and unimaginable horrors. What was once innocence is now stained with the blood of innocents. What was once peace is now shattered by the cries of anguish and despair. Though God's goodness still remains, sin has certainly left its mark upon this earth. We live in a broken world, scarred by the consequences of human sin and wickedness.
It is helpful to remind our kids that the world we see is not the world in which God envisioned when He created it and proclaimed it “good.” The tragedies and pains we experience in life serve as a reminder of sin’s effects on creation. That is not to say that there isn’t goodness in our world, but remembering the reality of sin will serve to remind our kids that the world we see grieves the heart of the God who created it.
You Can’t Fix It
Kids and teenagers often fall into a “save the world” mentality when tragedy strikes. This is honestly one of my favorite things about leading teenagers. They are ambitious and they want to help be a part of the solution. The problem with this is that despite our best effort, until Jesus’ Kingdom is established fully on this Earth and sin is erased, we will always have tragedies and traumas. For this reason, I think it is important to remind your kids that they can’t save the world. Unfortunately, as much as we like to think of ourselves as bringing about significant changes that fix the world, it just isn’t the reality for most of us.
Tyler Stevenson in his book wrote “We all want to save the world. To change it. To make an impact for Jesus. To be a hero. But we are not the center of God’s story. We are not God’s heroes.” Having the awareness that we will be unable to fix the world, and that the only one who can is God Himself, will help us keep our expectations in check.
So, does that mean we should retreat into apathy and go through life accepting mass shootings, pandemics, terrorist attacks, racism, wars, sexism, sexual assault, and other trials in life as normative? Absolutely not!
You may not be able to fix the world…
But You Can Change it
I am under the expectation that Generation Z will be a world changer kind of generation. I am also under the conviction that this cannot and will not happen unless we teach our kids to submit to God, rely on Holy Spirit to change them, and look to Jesus’ example of grace and love and apply it to their lives.
I do believe that this generation, when empowered and encouraged, will figure out how to process tragedies and then use them to make our world look a little more like it was intended to look. That is not to say that tragedies will cease, or that they will get everything right on the first try, but it is to say that Generation Z, if led by God, can and will make a difference. The possibility of change will help your kid move from hurt to hope but only if Jesus remains the primary source of our healing.
The final talking point that I think should appear in our conversations with kids is simply an encouragement to look to Jesus’ example in scripture and follow it. Micah 4:5 speaks to this when it says “All the nations may walk in the name of their gods, but we will walk in the name of the Lord our God for ever and ever.”
My prayer for our kids is that they wouldn’t walk in the name of division, prejudice, violence, greed, consumerism, and self-centeredness. That they would reject the notion that tragedy and trauma are inescapable aspects of life. Most importantly I pray that they would devote themselves fully to following God, unite with Him in His mission, and work tirelessly to transform the world into what He originally intended.
I long for them to see beyond the brokenness and grief, and perceive the glimmers of hope that point towards healing and wholeness. To perceive injustice not as an immovable fixture, but as a foe to be vanquished through acts of courage, love, and sacrifice. To see each life as infinitely precious, created in God's image, and deserving of dignity, joy and peace.
This is my deepest hope and prayer for the generation coming after us. That they would see the world as it could be, and set about creating it. Not through their own power or ingenuity alone, but by God's Spirit working mightily within and through them. May they reject despair, and instead walk courageously into a future full of promise.
5 Questions to Ask Your Kid After a Tragedy
How are you feeling?
What questions do you have about what happened?
Is there anything you want to talk about?
Do you feel safe?
What can I do to support you?
